60-year-old Nigerian woman relationship reflections
A 60-year-old Nigerian woman, Doyinsola A. Ilori, has opened up about what she calls the “crazy things” she has come to accept about men, relationships and marriage following her divorce. Her reflections were shared with the online news site Linda Ikeji Blog this week.
Doyinsola explained that from her experience, many men will ultimately choose their personal joy or desire over the welfare of their partner or children. She recounted how her ex-husband, after years of marital strain and infidelity, walked away from the marriage saying that his own joy mattered more than the family’s stability. She said:
“After my divorce … no man is exclusively any woman’s … Majorly, they are selfish. Most men think of the self first. What satiates him. What he wants. And that’s it.”
She further shared how, years earlier, she had decided to leave her marriage because she saw the relationship was loveless and her husband appeared to derive happiness elsewhere. However, she held off because her young children objected and she feared the upheaval. Ultimately when the husband decided to leave, he told the children his joy mattered more.
From her story she draws several key lessons: one, that a woman should recognise reality in courtship—if the signs of selfish behaviour, infidelity or disregard for the family are present early, it may be wiser to call off the union than endure years of pain. Two, that the idea of “he’s mine, only mine, he will always choose me” is a dangerous narrative for women to cling to—because she says many men will diverge.
Doyinsola’s reflections have provoked debate online. Some view her words as a blunt but needed corrective to idealised notions of marriage in Nigeria; others say her language is overly negative about men as a group. Regardless, her viewpoint gives voice to frustrations many divorced women describe: feeling sidelined, unvalued and carrying much of the burden even when the relationship fails.
